This true story is powerful. The pace is so fast that it almost sounds, like a rap. I kind of wish it slowed down a bit, so I could join the persona on their journey. Diction was a strong element, but words should have been annunciate more to sweep emotion into the audience, or at least given a dramatic pause, for effect. Especially in the end when he revealed who the persona actually was.
I to, am a poet, for that reason I feel indifferent to rhyme. Personally I feel that it takes away from imagery and forces unnecessary lines. I believe if you wrote free verse poetry your delivery would be more dynamic, because then you could describe moments without worrying if they rhyme. Anyway, that's just one way to look at it, but if rhyming is your style, I completely support it. I’m just opening up a tool box of other useful methods. My favorite thing was how you told your story, yet found a way to stitch in advice for others, as well as for yourself in the third person. In all your piece was distinctively unique and you should be proud.