David Sedaris

For my mid-life crisis, I just bought a really, really expensive painting. It was like a 17th century Dutch painting of a monkey eating a peach. 

My name is David Sedaris. I read a description of myself somewhere as young and I thought, "Oh, no." I'm 55 years old. I went to the Goodwill when I was in Hawaii and the woman behind the counter said, "Are you eligible for a military or a senior discount?" And I said, "How old do you have to be for a senior discount?" 

55. Nothing I can do about it. But it seems pathetic to try to hide it. 

And I decided I'm going to be the older guy who wears Japanese clothes. When I say Japanese clothes I don't mean, like, fashion. Because it's too sad when I spend money on things like that because, you know, I have teeth like a ferret. And it just doesn't, uh, one eye looks off in this direction and the other looks out in the other direction. It's just too sad, but Japanese clothing, that can work for the older gentleman. 

I go to Tokyo, I've been like, I don't know, 6 times or something. And I'm going back in January. And one of the things I found on my last trip, it was like a business shirt but it had buttons that were enormous. I mean they're bigger than a quarter and smaller than a coaster. You know, somewhere in between. And I thought, I'm going to buy this shirt and I'm going to get so many compliments on my super buttons. But I think people just think that I'm old and I'm arthritic or something and so I needed big buttons. 

And I bought a pair of pants that have horizontal stripes and they come up to way past my navel when I pull them up, the bottom of the pants. They like, eh, I'm tired of this and they just kind of peter out. Like they kind of peter out somewhere above the ankle. I tried them on for my boyfriend, Hugh, and he said, "Everything about these pants is wrong. Everything. Everything." But they're not, it's not like these are too young for me or they're too trendy. Because they're not. They're just Japanese. 

So I'm going to be the older guy in Japanese clothes. It's just like, yeah, but you know when I see a clown, I think, he looks good.

       (Question from Abby) What, like, happened that caused you to start thinking about, I want to be the old…

Well, I got old. I mean I got old. You don't think about it when you're young. And then after a certain point you think, well, I better start thinking about it because I'm old. And, and I'd like to be. I mean, as I get older everything, everything, irritates me.

My boyfriend's mother, you should hear her, "Oh! Look at her she's just beautiful. Now look at that girl. Oh, oh! Look at those girls over there." 

And I tell her she sounds like a predatory lesbian. But she's just so happy for young people. If they have a party in her building she just says, "Oh they're young and they need to have fun." 

And so I don't know, I have to back up or something to be more like Hugh's mom and just be more tolerant and (sighs). 

Oh well.