Transcript for the Piec/Volumes/Bay 3/BC Monologues radio/Promo-30 sec.mp2e Audio version of The Breast Cancer Monologues

THE BREAST CANCER MONOLOGUES

Dmae: Dmae Roberts here in my kitchen and I'm making my own face lotion from a recipe I downloaded off the web. Pretty simple...an egg yolk, beaten... two tablespoons of lemon juice,, a half cup of olive oil... and a a half cup of vegetable...and then you add your own essential oils for smell...

I'm doing this cos I just found out that all my "natural" face creams and lotions have parabens..methyl, propyl, butyl parabens...they're used as preservatives and are enodcrine disruptors that mimic estrogen. Increased estrogen exposure over a lifetime is a risk factor for breast cancer. Thalates are worse...those weren't in my creams, but are in many non-natural ones... thalates ingredients were phased out of baby toys cos they were associated with birth defects and developmental disabilities in kids.

It's pretty frustrating, thinking you're doing something right...I'm a vegetarian, drink green tea, exercise every day, have my annual mammogram though I know it's not prevention but detection and do regular self-exams and I don't smoke, don't drink very often ---and I buy natural products and then find out I've been exposing myself to something that may increase the risk of breast cancer. And it isn't just face creams...household cleaning solutions with benzene in them and all the chemicals we've been exposed to... they may have microscopic particles that mimic the way natural estrogen interacts with healthy breast cells.

Estrogen receptors can interact and lock onto or bind not only the estrogen that your body makes but the chemicals that mimic estrogen. Receptors are very specialized protein molecules that sit on the surface of cells in your body. They act like an on?off switch cell activity. If the right substance comes along that fits the receptor?like a key fitting into a lock?the switch is turned on. Estrogen is an important "key" for receptor sites throughout the body AND on some breast cancer cells.
This sends a signal to the "headquarters" of the cell (the nucleus) that says: "Grow and create new cells."

But it takes a long time for breast cancer to develop maybe I don't need to be so concerned about parabens in my face lotion and make-up and deodorant. But I am and so I'm making my face creme right now. And it looks kinda okay here......

The truth is there is so little research being done to identify environmental causes of breast cancer so we don't know... We just don't know... what we do know is that it's happening or has happened to someone we love right now. what we do know... are the effects.

2) Mammogram - sounds and Rita

BIOPSY ? All
Elaine: ?You?re going to what??

Olga: They told me to crawl on the table, lay flat and stick my breast through a hole.

Caren: They had to be kidding.

Olga: The surgeons wanted to do a biopsy to see if I had breast cancer that they detected on the annual mammogram.

Elaine: It was cold in the hospital gown, and my body tensed at the idea of dropping anything as vulnerable as my breast through a hole to be poked, prodded sliced by doctors below me whom I?d never met and couldn?t see.

Caren: I asked for a pill to relax, but since my doctor didn?t order it, they told me to tough it out.

Elaine: That meant lying completely still for an eternity, freezing with my gown half off under thin hospital blankets.

Caren: They numbed my breast and on the other side of the table I felt the tugging, the pressure, something like cutting.

Olga: I wanted to cry but I pressed my cheek hard against the board.

Elaine: I didn?t dare move. My body was so tense from laying still and from the god-awful trauma of it, I could barely roll off the table at the end.

4) Jan #1 - Fear

THE DIAGNOSIS AND TELLING - Olga

As I lie on the table my heart rises in my throat. I feel panic.
The man directing the ultra sound technician is getting intense. He
introduced himself at the beginning, but now I can't even remember if he's a doctor.

His directions are sharp.
"Over there," he instructs.
"No, move it.
"There. Yes." Click.

My panic becomes somehow apparent to the nurse standing at my feet.
"It's OK. You're doing fine," she says.

The man's voice rises, "There." Click.

"All right you guys," I manage to squeak out. "I need to know what's
going on."

"I'm very worried about this," he says, touching my shoulder. "We're
going to take some samples now."

The nurse strokes my feet. Tears choke me. The fear consumes me. I
can't get my breath.

"OK," I manage to say.

He pushes the needle, tries to be gentle. Probes. Finds what he's
looking for. Goes again. Another sample. Ouch.

The nurse keeps stroking my feet, telling me it's OK. The tears fall,
but I'm not crying - more choking.

"Is there anyone with you," the nurse asks. "Do you want us to call
someone?"

"When will I know," I ask.

"Your doctor will call. If it's cancer, she'll direct you to a
surgeon."

The message light is on in my office the next day. I dial the phone
code and hear my doctor say that I should call, that she's going to make an appointment with a surgeon.

I breathe deeply. She didn't say cancer. She did say she was making an appointment. I know, but I don't comprehend.

I call. "Yes, it's cancer. There are four tumors. I've made an
appointment with a surgeon. ... If I were the patient, I would go to
her."

Numb. What do I do? Call my husband?

Call my son? No, I have to tell him in person.

The cancer takes over: You've got to deal with it, I tell myself.
You've got to cope.

Choose when to tell people, what to say. It's too much. It scares me. I
want someone to take this away -- to protect me.

My son expects me to tell him that I'm getting a divorce or that the
old family dog is dead. He dreads coming to my house.

I say the words. His eyes fill with tears. I'm in the blue chair. He is
on the couch.

We meet in the middle. He hugs me. He holds me. I reassure him.

MUSIC TRANSITIONS
Jan #2 (Car cut)
BREASTS - Caren

The first night in the hospital I was eating my chicken dinner when I glanced at the menu and read ?BREAST OF CHICKEN??that?s what I was eating!! Now was that to replace the one removed from my chest earlier that day? Or was it some macabre joke by the hospital staff?

The next morning I found that there hadn't been room for me on the floor where they expected me to recuperate. Instead I was on the transplant patient floor. My immediate reaction was, "OK, who has my breast?!"

(PAUSE)
Now we can talk about a breast, we can talk about boobs, we can talk about hooters, but when you go to get your prosthesis and go into that big house that has a selection of breasts?.I mean, my God, I had no idea that there were so many kinds of breasts. There?s perky breasts, there?s solid breasts, there?s curved breasts, there?s pointy breasts?I laughed a lot when I went in there. What they do is they take silicone and shape it into a breast and then they have these bras that have little pockets in them and you can put those little suckers right in there and you look like you are balanced. Of course, every time I went to work I had to go into the office with all the women, open up my shirt and say, ok, are they balanced, are they even, in order to find out if I was looking all right.

I?m a single parent, I had my two daughters at home and I was getting ready for work and you know what it?s like, you got it down to a time limit, I?m gonna eat, I?m gonna shower, I?m gonna dress, and I?m gonna get to work on time. Well, the morning started really well, I got my coffee, read the newspaper and then took my shower and then started to get dressed and I could not find my breast. I lost my breast, and I started looking around, sure it?s in my bedroom somewhere, no, it?s in the dirty clothes, no, go running through the house and my daughters were in the meantime getting ready and ?Mom, what?s wrong, what?s wrong,??, ?I?ve lost my breast, I?ve lost my breast, I can?t find my breast?!? and they go ?Mom, just settle down, settle down !?? ?I can?t, what am I gonna do, I can?t go to work without the breast?, and so they say ?go back and look again?, so I?m going back to the room, looked everywhere, looked again in the dirty clothes?. ahhh, the bra was in the dirty clothes with the prosthesis? But then you have this dilemma, I?m late for work, so do you call up and say ?oh, the alarm didn?t go off, I just slept in? or do you say ?oh, I lost my breast, and I?m sorry I?m late.? So I finally went in to work and I just told everybody I lost my breast and they all laughed and they all went back to work and it was not a big deal.

ADVICE ? ALL

Olga: Be as positive as you can when you?re talking to that person or visiting, helping them deal with their problems.

Elaine: You can?t be doom and gloom, you have to be the right spirit, if anything at all that?s your main job,

Olga: You have to try to help them understand everything that?s going on with them and put a positive attitude in it.

Caren: People do recover from these types of things and you have to hold in your heart that there?s a God in Heaven that?s gonna be there with you.

SHAME ? Elaine (Taiwanese woman)

I think the breast is kind of more, you know, a secret place for your body?if you have a uterus, maybe people don?t think that way but I think that part? I don?t know? When I first find out I have the breast cancer?I cried, I was shocked and kind of nervous and really upset. You never think this will happen to you so you kind of feel like no way to go, feel like the end of the world, you don?t know what happened to you, so you really kind of scared, but my family keep telling me no it?s not true.

I have a bad experience in this country. I lost my first boy, first son, and I have a couple of surgeries, you know, didn?t success, that?s why I don?t feel comfortable. From that time, anything happen I just don?t like to go to doctor here. I rather, you know, fly to Taiwan and have a doctor over there. We can speak same language and they take care of us, you know, same culture, much easier. Another thing is, here way more expensive than over there, so that?s why I go there to get the surgery

Over there, we speak same language so we can ask, you know, some stupid questions. They won?t laugh at us. Here it seems like the nurses, they don?t pay that much attention to you so I rather go to there, stay there. And when they know a woman you know lost the breast they are really upset?

But after the treatment it?s like the end of the world?After the surgery, they?re painful, you lost part of your body and you are really upset, like you don?t wanna live. But later on my mother kept talking to me, my brother watched me every minute, because they were afraid I?d kill myself. Then my sister in law brought me a book that talked about Buddha, and I become accepted and that helped. That?s why I became a Buddhist. I was kind of a spoiled person. My husband spoiled me so much and I have a bad temper so after that I accepted everything, this thing that happened to me, I became very calm and I changed my personality so I don?t get so mad easy. And that?s what I learned.

CULTURAL SECTION - WITH CAROLINE, MONICA AND MARIA

END OF PART ONE

PART TWO

Dmae here... I'm downtown right now where there's a lot of traffic...a lot of cars, lot of buses...and it's hard to think that exhaust -I'm breathing in could one day cause breast cancer in me or someone here right now. I don't know why there isn't research about whether this exhaust or chemicals and pesticides and second hand smoke might cause breast cancer. Some chemicals have been identified like benzine that's a common solvent in a lot of household products and it's in car exhaust and cigarette smoke and is in products in a lot of workplaces . So reading labels and getting rid of stuff that has it in your house is always a good way to start. But it's hard facing this onslaught of chemicals every day and hard hearing about another woman who has been diagnosed...

PRAYER - Caren

I know they said it was only microscopic and they caught it early and wasn?t I the lucky one. But all I heard was, YOU?RE GOING TO DIE. So I went out and bought an expensive car that I couldn?t afford. I needed to feel safe somewhere so I got a honking heavy four-wheel-drive Volvo and drove it too fast through rainy streets.
It wasn?t cancer that was going to kill me but the fear. This was a despair that seemed bottomless. It took a few weeks before I pulled myself back together.

The first operation was over and I was ready to sprint back into my old life but the surgeon said she needed more of a margin. A few weeks later I went through the whole thing again. The doctor still wasn?t satisfied and told me she?d need to go in a third time.
?Tell your friends to pray for you,? she said.? It?s been scientifically documented that people who are prayed for have a better chance than those who aren?t prayed for because if this doesn?t work I?ll have to do a mastectomy.?

I called everyone I?d ever met. I called my entire family and then my extended family of friends. I called people I hadn?t spoken to in years. I called people I?d met casually in Mexico. I stopped people on the street and asked them to pray for me. I hired people to pray for me. Who was I to argue with science? As it turned out, third time was the charm.

BULLY BREAST - OLGA?

DIFFERENT CUT

RADIATION - Elaine

I spend my mornings with bald-headed women. Six weeks of showing up, lying down on a table and letting the machine shoot radiation through my breast. They don?t really tell you that the radiation will affect your heart. Since my radiation was on the left breast, a small portion of my lungs and my rib were affected. The lungs compensate but the radiation makes patients more vulnerable to pneumonia, which I caught almost directly after the treatment. The whole thing is a series of choices between the lesser of evils.

RECONSTRUCTION - Olga

If someone had asked before cancer if I?d have reconstruction, I?d have said no, not that attached, never thought of them that much but accepted them as part of my womanliness, part of sexual pleasure, part of mothering, part of my beauty. I guess I took them for granted. After my diagnoses, I couldn?t stop touching them, stroking them. I said goodbye to them. I opted to have reconstruction after talking to women who had chosen a variety of options. The women who had reconstruction seemed the most satisfied. I don?t know. I think society views breasts as toys?playthings for men, ornaments of pleasure. They almost define a woman?s allure.

The surgery was horrifying but not so much because of the perceived loss of femininity or the regret over losing my breasts. It had a lot more to do with the physical pain, fear about treatment, blood transfusions, things like that. I was kind of in a drug nothingness for a couple of days and then they took me off the I.V. and put me on Oxycodin which I had a terrible reaction to. Horrible dreams and hallucinations. I dreamed of hanging from a meat hook with people flinging meat hooks into me. I guess that?s sort of a physical muscle memory or something.

So the recovery after the hospital was slow and painful. I kept seeing myself as an old bent woman preoccupied with health. The drainage tubes, keeping the drugs on an even keel... But a couple of days after the surgery when I was in this drugged fuzziness, I started showing my new breasts to women friends because I was actually kind of amazed they looked as good as they did. And I knew that a lot of healing still had to happen yet.

I still don?t like to see me naked. I still need to have finishing touches on the surgery. I need to have nipples created but I?ve delayed that not wanting to have more pain but it?s getting time? I felt betrayed by my body. It had gotten cancer, then it hurt, then it didn?t regain its strength. Now I feel estranged but I?m feeling a little more at home in my skin. But it?s not the old me. I?m still getting used to this body. Even after a year, it feels like it belongs to someone else. Maybe an older sister.

MY BODY MY TEMPLE piece

LOVE - Elaine

Dr. Susan Love talks about how important it is for us to love our bodies?the whole idea of monthly breast exams is really counter productive because then you are looking for cancer and you are not feeling comfortable with one?s body. I think the idea is to enjoy life and one?s body?to be comfortable touching one?s body. Breast lumps are found by a woman?s partner?somebody else touching your body and not in a clinical setting where they?re doing a breast exam. When you?re touching making love or just taking a shower so that if we are comfortable with our bodies, that?s the important thing. I used to enjoy my breasts and feeling good about my body and I?m working at getting back to that. After my surgery I felt disabled because they took lymph nodes from under my arm?..that was so hard. So don?t focus on the fear factor, looking for lumps. Just enjoy your body and when you?re showering or making love just in your daily life, you?ll find them. Be conscious of it on one level but don?t let that dominate?don?t let breast cancer rob you of your enjoyment of being a woman.

THOUGHTS ? All

Olga: I belong, and I believe in myself.

Caren: I am unique and strong.

Elaine: I appreciate my emotions and I want to give them space to grow.

Olga: I?m afraid to be sick again.

Caren: I?m afraid I won?t find my passion for this chapter in life and I?m afraid I feel ambivalent about living.

PEOPLE CUTS

LIFE ? Elaine

They say after five years you?re basically ok, but there?s no test says you?re cancer free. They talk about a mammogram being so reliable and women have to get it every year, and yet the majority of the people I run into?and I run into a lot of women with breast cancer?they found it themselves. I mean this whole industry on breast cancer is just so weird. All these women who?ve had breast cancer have to deal with the fact that nothing in the world is guaranteeing that somebody will be able to detect if they have a recurrence. It?s just kind of by luck and if the physician you?re seeing happens to figure it out? It makes me angry.

FEAR?Caren

It was 18 years ago when I was diagnosed. Before that I knew I was a healthy person. Never got sick. Now I have a stiff hip and I think oh my god, this could be some vagrant cancer cell has moved to my left hip and decided to take residence. It isn?t always predictable that I?ll feel the fear but it?s a question I know is on the table.

Cancer is only a part of your life. It should not dominate.

FEAR TOO ? Elaine

As soon as someone says I have breast cancer, I feel something in my stomach falling away. I feel drained all of a sudden. Maybe it?s the fear coming back. Because I?m right there again. I know what they mean, and I don?t want to know what they mean. I don?t want to know what it feels like anymore. It?s going to take a while to get over that fear. That?s what I felt was killing me in the end. Not the cancer but the fear of it. I felt like I?d rather die than go on feeling this fear. I never felt like that before.

HILDA STORY

WALK THE PATH ? Olga or Elizabeth

I have to guard myself and I haven?t found a support group. I haven?t found anybody who shares my faith, who has had success in alternative healing. But I do gather it in little pieces. I talked to this woman who has had cancer three times, but the third time she did alternative therapies like acupuncture and naturopathy, and she hasn?t had cancer for 20 years.

Doctors can talk all they want but until someone has walked the path that you feel at peace to walk, it?s very difficult. I feel like I?m alone in it. You have to guard yourself and choose who you want around you. It?s a life and death situation. And what you believe in is critical. So you guard and you search.

Eternity is eternity, but life is short. So I?m not ready to go. Cancer destroys and devours, and I?m fighting it in every way I can and still protecting my body every way I can. It?s a tough walk. Sometimes life is like having a tourniquet. You want to stop the bleeding but you don?t want to lose the arm. That?s the same with cancer. You?re always fine-tuning the tourniquet. It can take you. It?s the enemy and it?s on the ground and it?s moving. You?re trying to do everything you can to stop it. But you don?t want to lose too much territory?that you can?t regain.

OVER ? All

Elaine: It?s over but it?ll never be over.
Caren: There will always be my souvenir breast to remind me that I was more frightened
Olga: and vulnerable than I ever want to be again.
Elaine: But I was the one of the lucky ones
All: and that?s the thing I try to remember.
Olga: It?s over but it?ll never be over.

The Breast Cancer Monologues was produced by Dmae Roberts and the Breast Cancer Radio Arts Project, a collaboration of MediaRites Productions, The Media Project, Project Quest's Arquette Cancer Program and KBOO 90.7 FM community radio.

This one-hour radio documentary special was produced from outreach workshops conducted by MediaRites. Productions and interviews were produced by Miae Kim, Anca Micheti, Jessica Stiles and Kate Welch. With contributions by Barbara Bernstein, Laura Moulton, Andrew Stelzer, Megan Hall and Sara Kolbet.

Original Music was composed and performed by Maria de los Angeles Esteves
Master Engineer was Clark Salisbury
CD and online Graphics by Ping Khaw-Sutherland.

Readings were performed by Caren Graham, Elaine Low and Olga Sanchez

Interviews and writings by Jan Baross, Rita McDonagh, Hilda Bengston, Dawn Cottrell, Majorie Holland, Barbara Strasburger, Leslie Lischka, Teena Rodriguez, Tai Brown, Clara Welsch, Suzanne, Elizabeth, Maria, Joy, Michelle, Caroline, Monica, Jeannette, Nancy and Mira.

Special thanks to Project Quest director Lusijah Marx, Dr. Wendy Neal and Debbie Borgelt and KBOO Station Manager Dennise Kowalzcyk.

The Breast Cancer Monologues is dedicated to the memory of Chu-Yin Roberts.

Funding was provided by Sound Partners for Community Health a program of the Benton Foundation through a project of the Robert Woods Johnson Foundation. With support from the Regional Arts and Culture Council's Neighborhood Arts Program , the Oregon Arts Commission and the National Endowment for the Arts.

For more information got to breastcancerproject.org or Stories1st.org

I'm Dmae Roberts

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