Transcript for the Piece Audio version of Schadenfreude: The Phudie Mart

"Schadenfreude Liner Notes: The Phudie Mart"

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This is the documentary on the inner-workings of Chicago's famous independent grocery store: The Phudie Mart. It follows the lives and stories of three principal managers. Store Manager Tony Smalek, Customer Service Desk Manager Virginia Castellano and General Merchandise Mgr Brent Wickerman.

We've tossed around the idea of making a TV/Comedy show out of the ddifferent character sets that show up in Schadenfreue. Phudie Mart would be perfect. It is unbelievable that we can't think of one good comedy show in TV history that has taken place in a grocery store. So, we bring you the radio version of that said TV Show.

This show is a great example of all of our Schadenfreude mediums coming together. The first short film Schad ever did was a Casino (the movie) parody, focusing on the mob-like drama at the local grocery store. Instead of all the lights of the casinos, Adam did a great montage of the different neon lights of the Dominicks and Jewel signs.

Before we start, know that these characters are severely accurate. Please go to your local grocery store and listen to the PA announcements, watch the employees and get a glimpse of the managers...managing. It will freak you out.

Here is a breakdown of the Episode.

1. Intro - Melba Lara and Amy Borne.

Melba is the afternoon drive anchor at WBEZ. She likes Schadenfreude and it was our PLEASURE to have her fake up an intro to the documentary. This is a parody of the Chicago Matters series that plays every year on WBEZ. They usually take a topic like money, sex, religion and they create documentaries. Melba and the anchors read a standard intro with the funders.

Amy Borne - Amy Borne is played by our friend Amy Dorn. Dorn is a producer for Chicago Matters and she has won a Peabody (for real!) for her documentary work. She is really great in this episode because she lends her voice and that public radio spirit to this documentary. You can envision her standing beside Brent Wickerman at the Phudie when he is walking through, or at Tony's house when he is watching Price is Right, or at the Blue Chip with Slim. In this doc, she goes to Joliet Speedway, Blue Chip Casino, Suicide Hill, Wickerman's house next to the high school and to Indiana Beach. Wow. Amy actually helped Schadenfreude produce the first pilot in 2001. We are really excited to add Melba and Amy to our growing list of people we have had on Schadenfreude.

2. Tony Smalek.

He's a real guy. I have been told by counsel to refrain from explaining.

3. Virginia Castellano.

Her friends call her Slim. You know, Virginia Slims? Had to explain, sorry to be that guy. At Grocery Stores, there are cashiers and service desk people, but then there is the one "denmother" who wears the sweater with a collar and has the chain or key hanging around her neck? That's Slim.

Our Slim has huge backstory. She is a local, who had big dreams cause she is smarter than everyone in this town, neighborhood, city. If she had taken a different course and not got involved with the local boy, she would be a banker or a NYC stock analyst or whatever. But he knocked her up and split. She has 3 kids, named after her passion and love, Led Zeppelin. Zozo, Bonham and Umma Gumma (for her Floyd phase). She is the brains at the stoe and she keeps it together by balancing books, scanning liquor and filling in on registers when needed. She is also the big sis/Mom for all the high school workers at the store.

3. Tom PECK, CHARLEY, CALEB, ANGRY BOB HOPE.

Caleb is an original Phudie Mart character, being the one who Tony Smalek always yells at. Caleb is played with such intensity and bravado by Jeff nominated actor - Stephe Schmidt.

Tom Peck is the Corporate Manager. He is always coming down from Corporate HQ's to check in on the Phudie. The inside joke is that he comes down every day and has the worst commute ever. It includes Metra, Brown Line and a drive to OakBrook or something just to come down to Phudie, which incidentally is the only store in the chain. Peck loves Starbucks cards. He gives them out all the time, but they are just the cards, there is no money on it. Sandy does a great impression of the Corporate Jag who stands over us when we record the show.

Charley. He is the 17 year old De-facto Store Manager. The Jewel always has to put some kid in charge of service, cashier or stock on Holidays. You'll see if you are in a store - watch for the the 17 year old in charge for a day. It is pretty funny. Charley is played by Mike O!!!! OOOOOOOOHHHHHH!

4. WICKERMAN

Wow, where to begin. Wickerman is a loose cannon. The overall idea of the Phudie Mart is that being a manager is sacred. There is a bond. There is a way to go about being a manager. It is a club. And Wickerman? He's that guy who knows the rules but just doesn't care. Those traits are great building blocks for a character.

Wickerman worked in the Stockmarket. He's all 80's. He drives a red Fiero. He feathers his mullet, he breakdances, he wears zebra striped bikini briefs. He doesn't at all value authority and abuses it when he is in charge. He posed for Playgirl.

Wickerman gets on everyone's nerves and he is going to screw up the Phudie Mart. So he is finally taken out with the trash. He gets fired in this episode and gets a job as the Manager at the McDonalds. McDonald's is where Brent Wickerman becomes THE BRENT WICKERMAN. There is a plot line here. It is Wickerman gets hired at Phudie, becomes too loose of a cannon, gets fired. He then goes to Mickey D's and even gets more loosey goosey and actually (future episode in progress) is a big part of the Scruffy Twin Peaks episode.

At the end of this episode, after all the loss - everyone at the Phudie Wins. Tony is back, Slim gets more responsibility, Wickerman drives into the sunset with his new Public Radio girlfriend. Ah, only if they made TV shows like this....

Wait. Just wait.