Transcript for the Stress Test version of Stress Test

Stress Test

12:55 Time to get ready for my stress test. The appointment is at 1:30. Plenty of time. I?ve already missed it once, last week; plum forgot about it.

About a month ago I went to the doctor because I was experiencing chest pains. I like to think of myself as smart, and whenever I hear the statistic that nearly every single man on earth ignores chest pain, I think to myself ?What idiots, I?d never do that.? So, tired of ignoring the pain in my chest ? right over my heart to be precise, I went to see the doctor. Everything was fine, EKG good, weight fine, cholesterol, heart rate, blood pressure, it?s all fine. I asked for a stress test anyway, so she referred me to a cardiologist. I?m 31, I?m in okay shape ? no one is awarding me prizes at the beach, but I?m okay. I want a stress test for peace of mind. Oh, and my deductible for the year? It?s been met. Let?s Party!

12:56 I?m not interesting in jogging on a treadmill wearing boxer shorts, so I?m going to wear a jock strap. I haven?t worn one in years.

1:01 What?s with the size of the pouch on a jock strap? Was it made during a fabric shortage? I?m no John Holmes but it?s pretty uncomfortable. What is it with the design? Why no covering for the butt? Guys that wouldn?t be caught dead in a G-string wear jocks all the time. And I think the guy who designed jocks works for the same company that decides how much room you get on airplanes.

1:07 I realized I?m going to be late unless I get moving. I checked the map to find Elizabeth Street. Ooo? right off the Crosstown. Sweet!

1:21 Middle lane of the Crosstown Expressway, aiming for the Staples Exit.

1:23 Sitting the parking lot of a run-down boarded up former gas station, car doors locked. I see now that there is no Staple Exit, I wanted to take Baldwin. Damn.

1:26 Baldwin Exit. Two more left turns and I?m there. Elizabeth Street, the Street of Elizabeth.

1:27 Elizabeth Avenue turns out to be a bunch of homes. I wanted Elizabeth Street, but the map isn?t entirely clear regarding the difference. I suspect the roads were named by the same company that develops jocks and arranges airline seating.

1:28 Elizabeth Street, heading south. More homes, and they?re scary. Run down, lots of vehicles parked on lawns, piles of trash, sofas and building materials litter the street. Trees and bushes overgrown. Welcome to the Jungle. Old white guy eating donuts amidst the carnage of his back yard dump, his box of donuts resting an engine block suspended from an oak tree. Lots of dead ends and blind turns. A tornado would do $20 million in improvements.

1:31 I found my way out, now heading North. I?ve already missed my appointment time. Will the doctor notice, or are they just getting to the patients that arrived yesterday?

1:33 Stopped at corner of Staples and Elizabeth for red light.

1:36 Still here, stopped the longest red light ever. Stars have gone through their life cycle faster. Is it better to let the stress out, or to take deep breaths, count to ten and try to hold it in? I opt for ?let it out,? and it feels great. My dashboard takes a beating, but comes through without a crack. As a bonus, the odometer that has been stuck for three months now works, too.

1:37 Ran red light. Apparently Satan controls the traffic signals. Now I?m in sort of the bad part of town. There are four large children or young adults with skull caps and bulging trench coats, hanging out in the middle of the street. Two of them are on small BMX bikes. It?s 90 degrees outside, 80% humidity. People are dropping dead and these kids are wearing skull caps and trenchcoats? Yeah, time take the long way around.

1:38 Long way around the scary kids in the street, but back to Elizabeth Street. I found the building I want, but missed the parking lot entrance. Must go around.

1:40 Entered parking garage, but there are no parking places for visitors, just doctors and staff. NO PARKING!!! Umm, what good is being a doctor if your patients can?t visit you? Is part of stress test trying to find the damn place, then trying to find parking there?

1:42 I found another parking garage, but I?m stuck behind the slowest driver of all time. I?m going to miss my four year-old son?s high school graduation waiting for this old blue hair to find a spot. The speed maximum is 5 mph and she?s gonna get pulled over for not doing the minimum. Her wheels are going to rust into place. I can count the tread as her wheels turn. Hey lady, if your reaction time is so bad that you have to drive slower than I can skip backwards, you shouldn?t be driving. Capice?

1:45 Doused myself in gasoline, ready to strike match.

1:47 I finally made it around the slowest driver of all time, found a spot to park, crossed the street ran inside, looked for stairs. Can?t find stairs. I wait impatiently with others for an elevator. Four of us got in. I pressed seven for the seventh floor, then the other three press their floors ? 3, 4 and 6. My blood pressure hits Defcon One. On the second floor huge old guy joins us, straining the maximum weight capacity of the elevator. He presses seven, same as me. On the third floor he has to get out so the lady behind him has room to get out. Now I?m in her spot, suffocating behind old big fat guy. Please Lord, I don?t ask for much, but please oh please don?t let him fart. ? Seventh floor, finally. Old fat guy gets out first. ?. Okay, I?ve found the person who can walk slower than that old lady could drive. Plus, I can?t get around him in the narrow hallway, he?s so fat. Oh, he?s going to the cardiologist, too. Listen buddy, let me save you 500 bucks, they?re going to tell you to LOSE SOME WEIGHT!

1:50 Enter cardiologist office. Nice place. Clearly they charge too much. To the perky receptionist I try the joke I thought up on the way over: ?Say, is it part of the stress test to make it hard to find the building, then the parking?? She laughs, I smile. My blood pressure stands down to Defcon Two.

1:51 Perky receptionist told me that I was in the wrong office and sent me down the hall to the cardiologist lab, as though I should have known to go there. Big fat guy is ahead of me again. He?s apparently able to read my mind and will do anything in his power to stay in front of me, walking slowly, weaving back and forth and PISSING ME OFF!

1:52 I?m in the right place, finally. I try my ?is this all part of the stress test? joke out on the lab receptionist. She?s not as perky and is unhappy about me being almost thirty minutes late, especially when I completely missed my appointment last week without calling. Had I made that appointment on time, I?d probably just now be getting in anyway, so what?s the problem?

1:55 Filled out insurance paperwork and initialed privacy policy. Privacy policy states that no one is required to have access to my results, but that some guy in New York didn?t sign and he broke the chain and his dog was run over that same day. I choose to sign. Now the entire world will be able to access my full medical history via a simple Google search.

1:56 Nurse called me in! Hurray, shortest wait of all time! At my hearing doctor appointment just two days ago, my audiologist kept me waiting for two hours and 20 minutes. This time it was four minutes! Aww, to be happy. Stress free. Life is good. Hello, nice nurse, how are you today? I feel fine, thanks for asking. Nice Nurse asks me to remove my shirt, looks at my chest and says, ?Doesn?t look like we?ll need to shave anywhere.? Oh, why don?t you just kick me between the legs? I know I don?t have a hairy chest, but do you gotta rub it in? I blame the jock strap, which is clearly cutting off the testosterone to the rest of my body.

1:57 Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge is on CCN and just announced that my blood pressure has reached the Orange Level, or High.

2:00 I?m all wired up and the nurse has done some tests. I note the calendar with kittens and family pictures on desk. I joke that she?s probably one of the few people with a treadmill in their office. Quite a perk, I say. She shakes her head. Note to self: Shut up.
Up to now no one else has entered the office, but the door is open and lots of nurses are walking by. I do my best to keep my arms flexed and gut sucked in, but it?s sapping the energy I need for the treadmill.

2:03 I?m on the treadmill, walking at a 4 degree incline at 1.2 mph, still faster than the old blue hair was driving. I?m about to fall asleep, COME ON NICE NURSE, PUNCH IT, LET?S SEE WHAT I CAN DO!

2:08 The treadmill is on an eight degree incline, spinning at 3 mph. A comfortable walk. Mmm, a cheeseburger would taste good right now. No, no, no, a plate of ribs and a sixpack. I can hear my arteries clogging.

2:12 Thirteen degree incline at 4.2 mph. I?m running now, but not fast. My family is made up of sweaters; my dad, my brother, even my son. We sweat while wearing t-shirts on cold winter days. Other people plug in their engine block heaters and discuss buying a new furnace and we think, ?I should put on long pants.? So, I?ve got a good lather going and Nice Nurse looks alarmed, but I?m not even breathing hard.

2:17 Twenty-two degree incline, 7 mph, yeah, that?s more like it. I?m huffing and puffing now. My cardiologist arrives, eating yogurt. He decides now is the appropriate time to ask me a lot of questions about my health. He asks: Why am I here? How old am I? Is my cholesterol under 200? What kind of work do I do? I pant out the answers. Chest pain, probably heartburn, 31 years old, 160, computer programmer. I sound like that kid in the wheel chair from Malcolm in the Middle.

2:21 The test is over. I did great. If I were in high school, the doctor tells me, I?d be in the upper half of the class. I?ve seen the current crop of overweight high schoolers. I don?t know if upper half is all that good. Why couldn?t he compare me to a soccer player or Olympic swimmer? Would that be asking too much? He says I?m not likely to die any time soon, at least not from heart problems, Ha, Ha. Now there is a steady stream of nurses coming in to check out the sweaty guy with his shirt off. The don?t usually get to see this from men under seventy. Hello ladies, no time to chat, gotta head home before this jock strap permanently changes my voice.

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