Transcript for the Piece Audio version of Meet the Bees

Right around Thanksgiving, a lot of my family conversations sounded like this.

Dad: What about two gorillas? Mom: I?m not a gorilla. No way. Dad: An anaconda. Me: Mom wanted to be? Mom/Me: Lovebirds. Dad: I?ll take you to the zoo, you could see what appeal they have. Mom: I don?t want to be a gorilla.

My parents? voices are going to be given to characters on the claymation show, Creature Comforts.

John: What about ducks? Me: Oh, I can see them as ducks. Kind of squabbling, arguing a little bit, but still kind of sweet. Dad: Quack, quack, quack, quack. Quack, quack. Mom: that could be, too?

The show wanted to keep my parent?s animal identities a secret, so after a year and a half of interviews - and waiting - they still don?t know what they?ll be.

Dad: imagine Brooklynese coming out of a toucan? Debbie (sister): Or what about a bald eagle? You really like bald eagles. Dad: I do, I love them, but see, that?s not really? Brooklyn.

But toucans ARE.

Truth is I pressured my parents into the whole thing. Early last year, I told them: you have to do this for me. I can make some money off you.

So, I recorded a tryout interview with them. And the staff of Creature Comforts liked my parents so much, that over the next several months, I interviewed them for 10 hours - asking them really tedious, pre-scripted questions like: How do you feel about the Winter? Or? Are you a picky eater?

That was the easy part of the job. The talent management, has been brutal.

(phone message) Mom: (beep) ? So I?m asking you, what ARE we? What creatures ARE we? (hang up) (beep)

Mom: I just want to know how they?re using my voice, that?s what I want to know ? Because I don?t know what I said for them to like me. (laugh) I think they like your father, not me.

It?s a good question, why out of all the auditions did they pick my parents? Kit Boss, my boss on the show.

Kit: I mean, their voices alone made a real an impression. They have very? musical? voices? There?s something just very melodious about them.

Mom: Melodious? Dad: (laugh) Melodious? ? ooooh, hey, melodious, dear. Mom: Now what creature are we? Dad: She?s not gonna tell you that. LO: I will,, but what do you think of this idea of melodious Dad: It?s first time I?ve ever heard my voice called melodious (laugh) Mom: Loud, I?ve heard. Wow. Dad: Loud. Over bearing, maybe.

And there?s more obvious reason?

Kit: And, uh, great accents.

Mom: (uh) I don?t have an accent.

Kit: (laugh) Well, skunks don?t think they have an odor, either. Your Mom has a slight accent, I would say.

Another thing Kit loves about my Dad is his sense of comic timing.

Kit: I don?t know where he got it from. But you know, I spent time in recording studios with actors and some people have timing and some don?t ? even among actors.

And the big mystery? What animals did they make my parents? And how did they decide?

Kit: It was your Dad making that noise ? that kind of nnnnnnn Dad: nnnnneeee, like that? (laugh) Kit: just a little something that caught our ear that struck us as the kind of sound we could use if he were a bee, to occasionally flutter his wings and lift off the flower. Dad: nnnnneeee, like that? (laugh)

Mom: They?re making me a bug? LO: You?re a bug. Mom: A bee? I?m a bee? LO: You?re a bee, you?re honey bees. Dad: oh, honey bees. Mom: oh, a honey bee, that?s okay. LO: you?re bumble bees. Dad: I like bees. Mom: I thought I was going to be a hippopotamous. I thought I heard my voice as a hippo.

Dad: I?m glad we weren?t big old New York City rats LO: There are New York City rats! And there are roaches! Dad: I know. LO: No, no, not in real life ? in the show... Dad: Wooow. LO: You coulda been.

Finally, premiere night arrives. The whole family iss there to watch. And though Kit thinks my father is the one with great comic timing, it?s my mother who gets the biggest laughs.

(sound of show theme and warble of us in the room)

(from show) Dad: I don?t lie,

When you hear the two of them, you see two chubby, little bees standing on the prickly center of a purple coneflower.

but if I find that something?s gonna be detrimental to her mental well being, I?ll gloss over something rather than hear - hear the noise. (buzz) Right? Mom: What ever you say. (big laughs) Dad: you would say that? Mom: oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

Kit: She doesn?t know ? she doesn?t realize how funny she is ? to be the straight person and have your father wind her up ? but the result is a pretty funny pair. You know, it could be a desert island with a palm tree, like you see in those New Yorker cartoons. And it?s this beautiful place, but it?s also kind of a prison. It?s just the two of them there. They could fly away, but they never do. They?re kind a stuck with each other, but they?ve gone 42 years and they might as well keep pushing.

My parents are happy being bees. But there?s one problem. Now that my parents have tasted their four minutes of fame, my Dad seems to be overestimating my pull in the industry.

Dad: but I also want you to keep in mind that any Mel Brooks show that comes up, I want to be in. LO: Okay, if I have any power to do it, I will certainly do it.
Dad: I tell you, you get me in a Mel Brooks picture and I?d love to be there to do it.

Mom: You?d probably get nervous if they put you on the spot? when you put him on the spotlight, he doesn?t like it. LO: but I think he would need you Dad: well, yeah, every comedian needs a straight man ? person. Mom: like a Grace and Allen Dad: Gracie and Allen, yeah.

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